Birmingham - Top City

Birmingham has been named one of the top 10 cities in the world by Rough Guide.

The UK city, which is as famous for spawning the likes of Ocean Colour Scene, Duran Duran, UB40 and Black Sabbath as it is for its 'balti triangle', has beaten Paris, Rome and Milan to make it on to the travel handbook company's list of best cities.

Its 'creative hotspots' get a particular namecheck - from the old industrial district of Digbeth, where vintage shops and street food stalls have begun to appear alongside Victorian buildings, to the Bird’s Custard Factory, with its vintage kilo sales and live music performances.

But it's also famed for having the largest public library in Europe, for being the youngest city in Europe and for having more canals than Venice - which didn't make it onto the list.

The travel handbook company says that this year is "the ideal time to make a trip", with a nod to Birmingham New Street station reopening in 2015 after a much-needed renovation.

The city is also described as having cultural variety, excellent shopping and a buzzing live music scene and joins Johannesburg, New Orleans and Wellington as one of the "best places to travel in 2015".

The guide warns: "There's no pretending that Birmingham is packed with interesting sights - it isn't - but, along with its first-rate restaurant scene and nightlife, it's well worth at least a couple of days."

But it maintains that Birmingham has "long outgrown the squalor and misery of its boom years", and is now one of the most cosmopolitan cities in Britain.

What's more, it is the only UK location on the list.

Take that, London.

World's top ten cities:

• Birmingham, UK
• Wellington, New Zealand
• Malaga, Spain
• New Orleans, USA
• Johannesburg, South Africa
• Hamburg, Germany
• Nizwa, Oman
• Belgrade, Serbia
• Salta, Argentina
• Yangon, Myanmar

St Ives Wins....

St Ives, the idyllic seaside town in Cornwall, has been voted the ‘most ideal’ place to live, according to research conducted by Rightmove.

The town, population of around 11,000, and was this year named the most expensive seaside resort in Britain, has now topped the list of 10 most ideal places to live in the UK.

St Ives was closely followed by seaside towns Poole and Brighton, the historic cities Edinburgh and York, and then Liverpool, Harrogate, Bristol, Cardiff and Dartmouth.

The report found that if money were no object, the majority of people would choose to live in a three bedroom house with two living rooms and two bathrooms, with the majority of people opting for a practical utility room over more luxury add-ons to features, such as a conservatory or a walk in wardrobe.

Only around one per cent of the 2,606 respondents would choose to live in a castle.

While living close to good transport links has long been classed as a staple of an ideal area to live, a new ‘ideal’ has topped the list of desirable qualities for a home: being within walking distance of a pub. This was outlined by respondents as more important than a home being close to a park, a supermarket or a restaurant.

Computer Failure News Air Traffic Control

Earlier this week, the BBC reported as follows:

Airports around the UK are returning to normal, although almost 40 flights have been cancelled at Heathrow, the day after a computer failure at the national air traffic control centre.

National Air Traffic Services (Nats) said a technical fault in the flight data system at its Swanwick centre, in Hampshire, had caused the problem.

This resulted in widespread disruption at airports around the UK on Friday.

Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin said the situation was "unacceptable".

The Swanwick centre was restored to "full operational capacity" by Friday afternoon, Nats said.

Heathrow Airport has warned of knock-on effects on Saturday and urged passengers to check their flight status.

It said 38 flights due to arrive or take off before 09:30 GMT had been cancelled.

A Heathrow spokesman said the flights could not be rescheduled because the airport ran at 98% capacity. He said passengers would be rebooked on other services.

British Airways said there may be "some disruption" to its flights on Saturday and also advised passengers to check the status of their flight before leaving for the airport.

Gatwick Airport says it will be operating a full service on Saturday.

Many other airports are also due to run their scheduled Saturday flights on time, according to their websites.

Cause undefined

The glitch caused many delays at Heathrow and Gatwick on Friday, where departing flights were grounded for a time.

Dozens of arrivals and departures at airports across southern England, and as far north as Aberdeen and Edinburgh, were also delayed and cancelled.

Many passengers have had to stay in hotels overnight because of rescheduled flights.

The problems came a year after a telephone failure at the Hampshire control room caused huge disruption - one of a number of technical hitches to hit the part-privatised Nats since the centre opened in 2002.

Swanwick air traffic control centre

Swanwick controls the 200,000 square miles of airspace above England and Wales, cost £623m to build, and employs about 1,300 controllers.

But the facility, which handles 5,000 flights every 24 hours, has had a troubled history.

It opened in 2002, six years after its planned commissioning date - a delay which Nats said was due to problems with the software used to power its systems.

Almost a year after it opened, a senior air traffic controller raised concerns with the BBC about health and safety standards and complications with radio communications - which he said cut out erratically.

Technical problems and computer faults hit flights in 2008 and again last summer. And, in December 2013, problems with the internal telephone system then caused further delays.

Nats said on Friday evening that a "thorough investigation" was being carried out to "identify the root cause" of the disruption.

Managing director Martin Rolfe has ruled out both a computer hack and a power outage as possible causes, but says the precise cause of the problem has yet to be established.

He said the error occurred in the flight data part of the system, where flight plans are stored.

BBC correspondent Andy Moore, at Heathrow, said the issue only lasted for between 30 minutes and one hour but caused chaos because the UK's air traffic control system runs at 99% capacity, giving little scope for managing disruption.

Mr McLoughlin said any disruption to the nation's aviation system was a matter of the utmost concern "especially at this time of year in the run-up to the holiday season".

"Disruption on this scale is simply unacceptable and I have asked Nats for a full explanation... I also want to know what steps will be taken to prevent this happening again."

The RAF - which has its own air traffic control systems - said the UK military had been unaffected.

The Independent's travel editor, Simon Calder, said it would be an expensive incident for the airlines, estimating they would pay £2m to £5m in compensation.

"It all depends how much they have to hand back to passengers. If a flight is delayed, even if it's nothing to do with the airline that's caused it, the airline is responsible for looking after the passengers."

Windowless

Fancy this.....?

A UK aerospace firm has released images of its windowless plane concept in which display screens show the environment outside the plane as well as films and video conferencing. 

Windowless planes could revolutionise air travel as airlines seek to reduce their spending on fuel and new supersonic aircraft are developed. 

A French design agency released renderings in August showing its proposed design for a private jet completely devoid of windows in its fuselage.

Instead, the cabin would be lined with thin screens that could display surrounding vistas or screen films and work presentations.

Technicon Design says that removing windows from aircrafts will reduce their weight, thus reducing fuel and maintenance costs and giving designers greater opportunities to enhance and beautify their interiors. 

Gareth Davies, chief designer at Technicon Design, the company behind the concept, said: 

"Certain elements are already possible...such as the flexible displays. 

"The idea is to push the boundaries."

He added that future technology would hopefully allow people to display whatever images they wanted, the content only being "limited by your imagination."

For now, though, the technology remains only in the reach of the super-rich, but with the world's first commercial windowless plane already in the pipeline, it may be only a matter of time before the concept is adapted. 

US engineering firm Spike Aerospace is planning to launch a windowless cabin on board its luxury Spike S-512 Supersonic Jet in 2018, which the company says will also feature display screen technology.

For Travel Insurance - if you dare - check our web site HERE

Minimising Airport Security Stress

With security measures being stepped up again recently following a further US terror warning airport security queues are lengthening again.

The Department For Transport have issued more instructions concerning electronic equipment and this includes the removal of laptops and large electronic devices from hand baggage during checks.

Most Travel Insurance policies do not cover damage caused to equipment left in checked baggage during transit - so, as usual, we advise passengers to book in earlier and make sure they are prepared for the additional checks and delays at airports.

Airports aren't always this quiet - but you can choose your time...

Here are a few ideas:

Avoid Weekends when airports are at their most chaotic, book in between 11am and 4pm weekdays to avoid the crowds

Book your parking or use a Parking Service to keep the stress of driving round and around the huge parking areas at airports. Using a Bus Service in or using a valet service will be slightly more costly but infinitely less stressful and there are great offers to look out for.

Make your check in simple by printing your boarding pass before hand if you can (outbound and inbound). You'll still have to check in baggage - but arriving with plenty of time in hand will keep the stress to a minimum and if you can just take hand baggage then you can avoid this part of the hassle for most flights.

Fast Track through security is often available for a small fee (£3 - £5) but if you don't want to pay then at least make sure your hand luggage is within the size limits and hand luggage restrictions for weight and number of items.

Executive Lounges are usually available and can take some of the discomfort of waiting in throngs away and ease you into your holiday with a newspaper and a breakfast or lunch before the flight.

Use of common sense and knowing in advance what your stresses might be will always reduce the headache of airports all around the world - have a good flight!

For Travel Insurance quotes - check in HERE!!!

FCO Safety Warning

Britons travelling abroad are being warned that they could be targeted by terrorists seeking revenge for UK air strikes against Islamic State (IS) extremists.

The Foreign Office (FCO) has updated its travel advice for all destinations across the globe that British nationals faced a "heightened threat" of attack from "groups or individuals motivated by the conflict in Iraq and Syria".

It urges all Britons living or travelling overseas to be "vigilant" at the current time. 

The FCO said that it was responding to the "generalised threat" rather than warnings of a specific attack.

The move comes after Home Secretary Theresa May announced in August that the UK national terror threat level had been raised from "substantial" to "severe", meaning an attack is considered ''highly likely''.

Last month, Parliament gave the go-ahead for the RAF to carry out air strikes against IS forces in Iraq and the Government has been supplying arms to the Kurdish peshmerga militias fighting the extremists.

The updated FCO advice states: "There is considered to be a heightened threat of terrorist attack globally against UK interests and British nationals from groups or individuals motivated by the conflict in Iraq and Syria. You should be vigilant at this time."

The FCO advises against all travel to most parts of Iraq, and all of Syria, where it says it is unable to provide assistance to any British citizen in leaving the country. There is also advice not to travel within 10km of the border of Syria, within Turkey.

Airline Funnies

As Promised - some more light entertainment..... A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!" **************************************** Basic Flying Rules:  1. Try to stay in the middle of the air. 2. Do not go near the edges of it. 3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there. ******************************************************** A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain: Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do. ******************************************************** Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing (bolter): You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is. **************************************** LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!" Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir." ******************************************************** Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR! ******************************************************** Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck." Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck." ******************************************************** Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your call-sign !" Pilot: "I'm not silly..." ******************************************************** Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots." Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible." Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots." ******************************************************** Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up." Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?" Pilot: "To Leipzig, like every Monday." Tower: "But today is Tuesday!" Pilot: "WHAT? But Tuesday we are off !" ******************************************************** Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?" Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot." ******************************************************** Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you." Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne." ******************************************************** Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles! Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches! ******************************************************** Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems? Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass. Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel! ******************************************************** Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please. Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours. Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay? Tower: Affirmative. Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning! ******************************************************** Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX please report persons aboard. D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog. Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ? ******************************************************** Tower: "Height and position?" Pilot: "I am 1,80 m and I'm sitting. ******************************************************** On a very quiet night: Pilot: "I'm bored" Tower: "Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify your self" Pilot: "I said I was bored, not stupid" ******************************************************** I over heard this while on ground control in MIA. VIRGIN Flt: "Every time I come to MIA you women controllers give us a hard time." ATC: "For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a problem handling a VIRGIN." ******************************************************** A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!" ******************************************************** Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right." Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet." ******************************************************** A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC requests an intersexual departure runway 29R." Almost straight away ATC reply: "ABC, The full length is available." ******************************************************** ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2 o'clock, 500 ft below you. Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ... ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light. ******************************************************** ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude." N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!" ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed." N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!" ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR." N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated." ******************************************************** Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?" Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try." ******************************************************** Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open." Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door." Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff." Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX." Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..." ******************************************************** The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female) screamed: "[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?" Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?" ******************************************************** A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.  San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport." ********************************************************  It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.  KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."  Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him.  We'll follow  him."  KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles.  Do you have that traffic?"  Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...we've got something down there.  Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though." ********************************************************  Tower: "Eastern 702, contact  Departure on 124.7."  Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...  by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of  dead animal on the far end of the runway."  Tower: "Continental  635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?"  Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." ********************************************************  O'Hare Approach Control:  "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o'clock,3 miles, eastbound."  United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say  this...  I've got that Fokker in sight." ******************************************************** The German air controllers at  Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.  They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:  Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."  Ground: "Guten morgen!  You will taxi to your  gate!"  The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.  Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."  Ground (with some arrogant  impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"  Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In  another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop." ********************************************************  I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the  junior crew member.  This was the conversation I overheard:  Lufthansa (In German):  "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (In English):  "If you want an answer you must speak English." Lufthansa (In English):  "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak  English?" Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer):  "Because you lost the bloody war!"  ******************************************************** More from our "Don't get wise with us" file: A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ... Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..." Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land." ******************************************************** A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way.The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked  the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York." ****************************************

Salisbury

Salisbury Cathedral (Photo: AP)

In its list of the world's top 10 cities to visit in 2015, Lonely Planet found room for just one UK city. Not Edinburgh, Bath, York or Brighton, of course. Or even Paris or Rome. In a surprising, some may say eccentric move, the Wiltshire town of Salisbury has taken seventh place, elbowing Vienna and Toronto into eighth and tenth positions, respectively.

Quite why this attractive, unassuming market town has been propelled to global stardom is difficult to fathom. Until now it has been notable chiefly for its 13th-century cathedral, with the highest spire in Britain (404ft), and its proximity to Stonehenge, about nine miles from the city.

True, Salisbury has other draws: the largest and arguably the loveliest cathedral close in the country and the oldest working clock in Europe (in the cathedral). Turner and Constable painted here, William Golding drew inspiration for Lord of the Flies from his teaching years at the city’s Bishop Wordsworth’s school and Trollope’s Barchester is said to be largely based on Salisbury. The parish church of St Thomas and St Edmund houses the Doom painting - the largest chancel arch painting in England, dating back to 1475.

The iron age hill fort of Old Sarum, just outside the city, is a good place for windy walks. There is a popular international arts festival each summer and, according to the Telegraph’s chief theatre critic, Dominic Cavendish, the city has one of the best regional theatres in the country in Salisbury Playhouse.

But is Salisbury really up there with the likes of Lisbon, Kyoto, Vancouver and Singapore? Its clutch of lovely medieval and Georgian buildings ( including Ted Heath’s former home, Arudells), is offset by a couple of hideous shopping centres. Much of the architecture is undistinguished red-brick Victorian, it’s sliced up by a grim 1970s ring road and parking is an expensive nightmare.

Nor are there any top class hotels in Salisbury itself (significantly, the first two recommendations on Tripadvisor are both outside the city) and restaurants are distinctly patchy. Nightlife centres around the local pubs, while forthcoming events at the main music venue, the City Hall, include the Sensational Sixties Experience and a Fleetwood Mac tribute band.

Even Tom Hall, one of the Lonely Planet judges, described Salisbury as a “surprising choice” , though it's not unknown for Lonely Planet to publish left-field suggestions: the sole British name on last year’s list was Londonderry, a "vibrant, historic walled city undergoing a renaissance". And accusations of gimmickry were levelled at it earlier this month when it published a guidebook the the entire world.

The secret of Salisbury’s sudden stardom seems to be down to King John and the barons. The Cathedral’s Chapter House contains one of only four original copies of the Magna Carta - and the Salisbury document is in rather better nick than the others.

Next year Britain will be abuzz with celebrations to mark the 800th anniversary of Magna Carta and Salisbury hopes to play a prominent role with a host of events and festivities planned - hence its new global importance.

Just make sure you don’t visit the city in early February 2015; the Salisbury Magna Carta will be on loan to the British Library in London, where the four surviving original 1215 copies of Magna Carta will be brought together for the first time in history.

For UK Travel Insurance - click HERE

Best Destinations

Singapore - Number One Destination in 2015?

With its unique style of cuisine and culture, Lonely Planet selected the Southeast Asia destination as it offers an escape from the typical urban landscape, as well as providing ample opportunities to explore the island. In addition, Singapore will celebrate fifty years of independence next year, so we can expect some grand celebrations.

The list was compiled through criteria such as whether there was a special event next year, or because the writers believed that the destination will soon become a big hit. Smaller countries were given a fair opportunity as recent developments were considered, meaning that the more well-known travel destinations would not be able to dominate.

Lonely Planet's best countries to visit in 2015

Last year’s winner was Brazil as it hosted the World Cup and will be the next country to host the 2016 Olympic Games. Despite this accolade the country did not appear on the list this time around.

Following this year's top choice, Namibia has a packed schedule of local and national festivals throughout the year, and Lithuania has transformed itself since it embraced democracy following the fall of the Soviet Union.

Ireland places fifth in the list, with contributor Tom Hall describing it as ‘stunningly scenic,’ and noted that it managed to blend its traditional customs with a cosmopolitan atmosphere, and describing how the ‘contemporary Irish are just as friendly and welcoming as their forebears were known to be.’

The Top Ten Are:

1. Singapore
2. Namibia
3. Lithuania
4. Nicaragua
5. Ireland
6. Republic Of Congo
7. Serbia
8. The Philippines
9. St Lucia
10. Morocco

Planning your next trip? Don't forget your Travel Insurance - click HERE for more

Visit Lonely Planet for more information

Pilot v Engineer

I think we're not going to beat these, so we'll end our brief sojourn into humour with Quantas...well, may be one more next time if I can find it....

Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 

Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 

Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit. 

Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield. 

Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. 

Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 

Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 

Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield. 

Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing. 

Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny. 

Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums 

Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit. 

Engineers: Cat installed.

And perhaps, the best Qantas joke...

Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 

Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

Cruise Complaint Silliness

So, in the spirit of last week's article, I thought we would research some further amusing anecdotal tales of complaining holidaymakers - this time the ocean faring variety. Obviously, there's only so far we can go with this - but let's enjoy it while it lasts.

Here are some examples of Cruising Silliness

The most unusual was from a lady on a Mediterranean cruise who said the sea was too loud and claimed it prevented her from having a decent night's sleep during her holiday. She suggested the cabins be "better sound-proofed against the sounds of the sea."

bonvoyage.co.uk revealed the hilarious complaints, which included a man who voyaged on a summer cruise around Alaska complaining about the weather not being as warm as he expected. He said he expected to be able to "swim in the swimming pool each day" and "get an impressive tan".

The man stated that "all cruises are meant to be hot", and so sought compensation for having to buy warmer clothing as he "had only packed minimal clothing for the expected hot weather."

A woman on a Celebrity Cruises ship asked bonvoyage.co.uk for a full refund in June last year because she didn't see any celebrities on board. The woman said the company was guilty of "false advertising" due to the lack of stars.

In another complaint, a woman on a cruise departing from Southampton said that she had to re-schedule her whole holiday as she was not aware of the fact that she was supposed to take her passport with her on the cruise. She apparently thought she only needed her passport when going on a fly-cruise and blamed the cruise company for not texting her the day before to remind her to take her passport.

A woman on a Hawaiian cruise told the customer service team she had heard Gary Barlow was once on the same cruise she had ventured on but failed to see him on the ship this time. She demanded an explanation as to why he was not on the same cruise again this time.

Steph Curtin, Cruise Development Manager of bonvoyage.co.uk, said: "As an online cruising agency, we always try to provide the best customer service possible for our customers; whether it's regarding their comfort on-board, the information they get before getting on board or all the services and entertainment available on the ship."

She added: "The vast majority of feedback we get from our holidaymakers is hugely positive, usually telling us what a great time they had, but from time to time we come across a few quirky complaints that we can do little to help. Whilst we always make sure we go back to every complaint, I'm afraid we can't be held responsible for the sea being too loud or the lack of celebrities on board; as much as we wish we could put Gary Barlow on every cruise!"

More next week!

Going on a cruise? Check out Holsure's Travel Insurance page HERE

Silliness

Sadly the Summer holidays are but a distant memory. Now is a time for reflection on those warm evenings on the beach, unforgettable meals in hidden gems off the beaten track and unending hours of  lazing around the pool…Or you could just complain about the whole thing like these people have.

These are actual complaints received from dissatisfied customers by Thomas Cook Vacations (based on a Thomas Cook/ABTA survey.)

 Beware!!! These people live among us and can vote!

1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

3. “On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

8. “No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort’. We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”